Thursday, 1 January 2015


I've tried writing this post a million times, I thought I'd it nailed but everytime I came back to it, it's just not been right.

I initially wanted to do a huge post full of photos you guys hadn't seen right from the start of 2014 all the way up till NYE but it just didn't feel personal enough. I remember back in the day, I used my old blog pretty much as a diary and I think it was the best therapy I could've asked for. I want TheLenihanLook to go places in 2015 but at the same time I want it to be a really personal venture.'s a stream of conciousness [I haven't spell/grammar checked, so don't bitch if I mess up] of my 2014, the year that started off a complete disaster but turned into something very special. [A lot of this I'm actually talking about publicly for the first time, so this was super hard to write.]

There aren't words to explain how badly 2014 started. I remember mid-February, lying on my bathroom floor hysterical because I just couldn't get myself together no matter how hard I tried. I just felt weak mentally and physically, I was just so damn miserable. It'd been this way for a while, I'd been taking weeks on end off of Sixth Form and just having little-no motivation for everything. I've learned that's one of the worst things about me - when things get bad, I know exactly what's bothering me but I just have no idea where to start picking up the pieces.

Some of you may know, some of you might not, that when I was 13 I suffered from an eating disorder and ever since I've had a form of depression. Firstly, I want to say it's in no way as serious as some people and I am not looking for sympathy. I don't like to talk about it because I know that we all have our individual demons and problems and I am in no way about to shove it down anyone's throat. As well as that I don't want it to define me, I've come a really long way but something like that always haunts you.

There were loads of reasons 2014 got off to such a bad start.
I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I think as a teenager you're always going to feel like that but it'd gotten to a place where I just lost control of who I was. As fucked up as it sounds, I was just lying to myself about everything.
At the end of 2013 I'd applied to go to University to do clinical psychology and deep down I knew from the start it wasn't what I wanted but I lied to myself and everyone else and forced the idea down my own throat. So while the Uni drama was happening, I was letting a relationship with a guy really mess me up, it'd gotten to a point where it was so complicated the more we tried the worse it got. I think the worst part of it was that he'd been my best friend for years and we'd stupidly let it become more than that and I ended up not only loosing someone I'd really fallen in love with but my best friend as well. The entire fiasco had definitely tainted my outlook on love. To add to all of that, demons from the past were catching up with me and the whole non-existent-mother-mother-figure thing reached a whole new level, but I'm not going to go into that. I just lost it. There'd be nights where I'd just cry hysterically and I'd physically throw up at the thought of leaving my bedroom. I really can't thank my friends enough, you know who you are, for sticking by me and not letting me push you away forever during that time because I lost a lot of important people all thanks to my fucking mental state.

I don't really remember when, how or why but one morning I woke up and it was as if I'd got as low as I possibly could. I remember just thinking "fuck it, it can't get any worse". I cancelled my UCAS application, said a massive "fuck you" to University and I told myself to just do the best I could in exams. I've always been an over thinker and I was just sick to death of letting the most stupid thoughts control me. Don't get me wrong, my mind didn't sort itself out over night - there are still days where I get a bit lost again, but if you met me at the start of this year, you wouldn't recognise me.

There are a handful of people that I can't put into words how much they mean to me and you know who you are, but I think one person I really want to mention in this post is Paige. We only became really good friends at the start of Sixth Form but I feel as if we've been friends for our entire lives, she's the best gal I could ask for. We've sat up so many nights having the weirdest conversations and laughing about the most fucked up things - but there's no one in the world that I'd rather call my best friend. Paige was there for me whenever I needed her and I think it got to a point where what I told her was a little too TMI but we just get each other. Most of the funniest/happiest memories I have are with P and I honestly don't think I could've got through some patches without her. So P if you are reading this/ever read this, don't ever forget how much you mean to me.

I spent the entire summer really trying to sort everything out. I got into fitness big time. I started working out and toning up, which gave me so much more confidence and contributed massively to my mind state. I am insanely insecure about my figure which leads back to 13 year old me, but as soon as I started to not only tone up but most importantly feel healthier in myself I just felt so much more confident in my own skin. Confidence lead to be finding my own style, which again contributed to that "I'm me, take me as I am or fuck off". I've gotten to a place where I don't care if someone doesn't like what I'm wearing, the music I listen to etc and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I think when you reach that point of doing what you want, you attract people that are similar and accept you for you.

I am so damn lucky that the place I worked as a Saturday girl offered me a full-time placement and I think that was one of the reasons I started to get back on track. I walked out of my last exam and in four days time started work full-time. Although I'm kinda gutted I didn't have a wilder summer, in the last few months of 2014 I've made up for it. There's no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision to not go to University, I love the independence and life experience it's given me. Throughout the dark days, my job was one of the things that kept me going. I never gave a fuck about education and I'd use any excuse to not turn up, but when it comes to work I'll be there. I am so damn lucky to work with the girls I do, Tan if you're reading this, you've been my saviour this year. Sitting in the staff room, eating cookies and ranting about the world; you're so ridiculously ace and I'm so lucky you're in my life.

I can't explain how incredible the last few months of 2014 were.

I ended summer with a trip to Kew Gardens with one of my best pals Jack. It was the sunniest most amazing day, I absolutely love plants and I got to geek out over cacti, which lets face it, is a great way to spend a day. Being back in Richmond made me feel super nostalgic as I spent a lot of my childhood there and have so many fond memories, watching the rugby with Dad and hanging out in the parks. Bamz and I have got up to a million and one things, last minute plans seem to be the norm for us. I got to see Kids in Glass Houses, a band that mean a whole lot to me on their farewell tour in Reading [where I was born], which is going to go down as probably the most special night in my entire life. I had the most incredible last night of 18 with my friends, then woke up in the last year of my teenage years in Camden. I've practically moved in with my cousin, Oli who lives in Shoreditch with his friend, which is ace because it saves me the twenty minute commute into the central from where I live on the outskirts. It wasn't full of massive, life changing experiences but I learnt that the nights running through Shepherd's Bush interpretive dancing are going to go down as some of the best memories you'll ever have. I've reconnected with people I never thought I'd spend time with again and some of them have become people I'm incredibly close to. It's just the freedom, that I've had. I've literally been living out of a bag, between Shoreditch, my families home and my Uncle's town house, I've been here there and everywhere, hanging out with all different people and just enjoying every second. That's what it's really all about.

I think what I'm trying to say in this post is giving things time, whether it's an hour or six months in my case, is really fucking important because everything you dreamed of could be at the end of it. Sometimes you need to go to the darkest, shittest places to come back out the other side.

I am so damn excited for 2015 because I finally feel strong enough to take life on. I'm so damn ready.
If you ever want to talk to me, an email, or tweet; whatever - they're all linked in my blog, I'd love to talk. I think that's something I never realised, talking really does help. Just to bleugh at someone, it kinda helps.

Thank-you for all your support, whether you clicked on my blog by accident or followed me and read every post I uploaded, it means more to me than I can put into words. Thank-you to any of my friends or that are reading this post, because without you I'm not sure where I'd be. And thank-you to my Dad, who is the strongest, most important human to me on the entire planet. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'll never be able to repay you for the things you've done for me. There's no one I'd rather share a cigarette with at 3am, ranting about how fucking awful life can be.

Here's a little look into my soul.
G x

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